A Harry Potter Parody
by Jacen Caedus
Summary: Random parodied scenes from Harry Potter.
1. Severus Snape

**Disclaimer: I am not J.K. Rowling.**

Snape and Umbridge

Daphne Greengrass returned with Severus Snape.

"You wanted to see me, Headmistress Dinosaur?" he said.

"Potter has been communicating with persons unknown," Umbridge told him.

"Potter who?" asked Snape stupidly.

"Harry Potter," Umbridge said.

"Harry Potter who?"

"_This one!" _She pointed to Harry.

"Ah, that Harry Potter," said Snape. "I thought you said Parry Hotter."

"_What?_" said Umbridge in disbelief.

"So what about Potter?" asked Snape.

"I wish to interrogate him."

"And wha'd'ya need me for? Am I just for decoration?"

"Well, hand me the Veritaserum," said Umbridge.

"What Veritaserum?"

"The Veritaserum I asked you to bring."

"Well, if you wanted me to bring the Veritaserum," Snape sneered, "you probably should have let me in on the plan."

"Well, get it!"

"No," said Snape, looking affronted.

"Why?"

"You hurt my feelings," the Potions master replied.

"Screw your feelings!" shrieked Umbridge. "And get the damn potion!"

SMACK!

Snape slapped Umbridge in the face angrily.

"Don't yell at me," he said calmly.

"I'll yell at whoever I please!" snarled Umbridge. "And don't you dare hit me, Snape!"

"Well, if you desire it," said Snape ironicallly.

"You're on probation, Snape!" Umbridge shrieked. "You're being deliberately annoying!"

"Well, how do you be annoying by accident?" Snape scoffed.

He started to turn away, but Harry shouted, "He's got Padfoot! He's got him at the place where it's hidden!"

"Well, someone has gotta go save him!" Snape yelled.

"Wha'd'ya think I've been trying to do?" Harry demanded.

"I'm on it!" Snape said.

"Who is Padfoot?" Umbridge demanded.

"Hell if I know," Snape shrugged, "but He's got him."

"Who's he?" asked Umbridge.

"Hell if I know," Snape repeated.

"Where what's hidden?"

"Don't know," Snape shrugged.

"So you don't know _who _Padfoot is, _who's _got him, and _where _they've taken him?"

"Pretty much," Snape replied.

"Then why're you helping him?" Umbridge demanded.

"Well, it's the right thing to do, you old hag," said Snape. "But I suppose growing up in the caveman days hasn't given you a lot of empathy. . . ."

"I did _not _grow up in the caveman days!" said Umbridge angrily.

"Whatever you say," said Snape skeptically. "Hey, how was it owning a dinosaur?"

"GET OUT!" Umbridge shrieked.

Snape raised his hands in surrender, and disappeared out the door.

Snape and Voldemort

Harry, Ron, and Hermione slid down the earthy passage, which was a much tighter squeeze than last time, which was four years ago. Finally, they arrived at the edge of the tunnel, which was blocked by a crate. But they could still see two figures: Lord Voldemort and Severus Snape.

"My Lord, the rebellion is crumbling - "

" - and it is doing so without your help. Skilled though you are, Severus - "

"Oh, thank you. Sometimes I go through an entire day where I'm the only person who's nice to me."

"Shut up, Severus."

"Got it, chief!"

"Regardless of your skills, Severus, I doubt you will make much difference. We are almost there . . . almost."

"Let me find the boy. Let me bring you Potter. I know I can, Your Highness. Please."

"Severus, I have a problem."

"Yeah, ya do."

Voldemort raised the Elder Wand.

"Shut up, and tell me why it doesn't work for me."

"It does! Your Highness, you've done extraordinary magic with that wand."

"No, I've performed my usual magic. I am extraordinary."

"Someone's conceited."

"How many times must I tell you to shut up, Severus?"

"I don't know. I think 6,400 might be the limit."

"Who answers that question?"

"I do, so apparently I'm a no one."

"Yes, you are. You must be killed, Severus."

"Seems a little extreme, my Lord."

"You killed Dumbledore. I did not."

"Well, if you wanted to kill Dumbledore, you should have asked."

"I didn't. But while you live, this Wand will not work for me. I'm sorry, Severus, but only I can live forever."

Voldemort slashed Snape's face with the Elder Wand.

"Aah!"

Voldemort turned to Nagini.

"Kill."

Snape screamed, and Nagini attacked./

"I regret it."

And Voldemort and Nagini leave the Shrieking Shack.

Snape and Lily

Petunia ran up to Lily.

"Lily, you know Mummy said you're not allowed," she said.

"Tunie, let your hair down!" called Lily. "You need to be one with nature, one with the force we call the Circle of Life."

"And it moves us on," sang Severus. "Through despair and hope, through faith and love. Till we find our place. On the path unwinding. Oh, it's the circle, the circle of life."

Severus arrived on the scene, and moved toward Lily and Petunia.

"Who are you, man?" asked Lily.

"Severus is the name," said Severus. "Severus Snape."

"I'm Pet - " began Petunia.

"You don't just talk when someone's not talking to you!" yelled Severus.

"Well, sorry!" said Petunia, her hands up in surrender.

"Anyways, Lily Evans, I'm a wizard. And you, my friend, are a witch."

"No way!" said Lily.

"Way," said Severus.

The scene dissolved, and before Harry knew it, re-formed around him. Two children lay, relaxing by a glittering lake.

". . . and the Ministry can punish you if you use magic outside school."

"But I have!"

"No, we're fine!" said Severus. "We're kids! They don't punish kids, unless they're James Potter, of course! But he's a national disaster. It's once we get wands and stuff, that they get all up in our grille."

"Cool, man," said Lily. "That is so wicked! And awesome! AWESOME!"

"Yeah, it is!"

"And will my letter come by eagle?"

"Yours won't. They'll send someone to give it to you."

"Yeah, I always knew I was awesome."

"No, it's 'cuz you're Muggle-born."

"Does it make a diff, man, y'know, being, like, Muggle-born?"

Severus hesitated, his eager black eyes moving over her dark red hair.

"No," he lied. "It doesn't."

"Cool, man," said Lily, looking confident, but Harry could tell it had bothered her.

"You're a powerful witch, Lily," said Severus. "I have seen you."

"How are things at your place?" Lily, who was not listening, asked.

A little crease appeared between her eyes.

"Fine. Just fine."

"They're not arguing anymore?"

"Oh, yes, they're arguing," said Severus. "They can't figure out who took the last cookie."


	2. Albus Dumbledore

**Disclaimer: I am not J.K. Rowling.**

Dumbledore and the Dursleys

_Dumbledore has already said the Dursleys have not raised Harry as their own, but treat him better than their son._

Both Vernon and Petunia stared at him in shock.

"Us? Mistreat Dudley?" said Vernon, but Petunia said, "Us? Do something other people do? I never do what others do, that's why I'm not a witch."

"You can't control that," said Albus.

"Oh, I think I can," said Petunia. "Lily was a witch so I thought she had that covered."

"That is the weirdest thing I've evr heard," Albus said.

"Harry, shut your fat friend up," said Petunia.

"Hey, I'm not fat," Albus argued. "I'm thinner than even you or Harry."

"Oh, I don't think so," Petunia disagreed. "Us two are gifted with the Evans gene. Evanses don't get fat."

"Well, I'm gifted with the Dumbledore gene," said Albus. "Dumbledores don't get fat."

_Later in the conversation . . ._

"I make it my business to know about my in-laws -"

"-which you hate," Albus finished for her.

"I don't hate you guys," said Petunia. "I simply envy you. You have something that I do not."

"Thank you," said Albus. "Wait, what do I have that you do not?" Harry was equally confused.

"Think," Petunia said. "Think."

Albus and Harry still had very confused expressions on their faces.

"Come on," said Petunia. "You know this one."

"Oh," said Harry.

"I'm young and beautiful," said Albus.

"In the body of a senile old man," said Petunia.

"Hey!" said Albus. "But if that's not it, then what do I have that you don't?"

Petunia growled in frustration.

"You - two - are - wizards!" she said irritably. "I - am - a - Muggle! Do the math!"

"Oh, There's math involved," Harry grumbled. "You do it."

"Oh, for God's sake," Petunia snapped. "You have magical ability! I do not! What, were you two raised in a cave?"

"Only for a year," said Harry. "And you promised you'd never bring that up again!"

Dumbledore and Draco

Harry was completely lost. _Expelliarmus _was not a Freezing Charm.

Then by the light of the Mark, he saw Albus' wand flying in an arc over the edge of the ramparts and understood. Albus had nonverbally immobilized Harry, and that cost him the chance to defend himself.

Albus smiled calmly at his adversary and said, "Hey, Draco! How's it going?"

Malfoy stepped forward, glancing quickly to make sure he and Albus were alone. His eyes fell on the second broom.

"Who else is here?" he asked suspiciously.

"I was gonna ask you exactly the same thing," Albus replied coolly. "Or are we acting alone?"

"No," Malfoy replied. "I've got Death Eaters."

"Impressive," Albus said. "Most impressive. Ya found a way."

"Under your fucking crooked mess you call a nose, eh?" Malfoy grinned.

"Rude you may be," Albus said, "but you are not an assassin."

"How do you know what I am?" Malfoy snapped. "I've done things that will shock you!"

"Like cursing Katie Bell and poisoning Ronald Weasley. You've been trying to kill me all year long. Forgive me, Draco, but these have been feeble attempts. Feeble-minded. Was your heart really into it?"

"YEAH, IT WAS, YOU SHIT-FACED OLD MAN!" Malfoy screamed.

"How'd ya smuggle in the Death Eaters 'under my fucking crooked mess I call a nose'?"

Silence.

"I am unarmed," Albus said. "Strike me down."

Malfoy merely stared at him.

"I see," Albus said. "You are afraid to act without backup."

"I'm not afraid!" Malfoy said

"How'd you smuggle in the Death Eaters?" Albus repeated.

"I mended the Vanishing Cabinet that Peeves broke half a decade ago. The one Montague got lost in last year."

"Impressive," Albus repeated. "Most impressive. There is a pair, I believe. A twin."

"At Borgin and Burkes," said Malfoy, "and they form a kinda passageway between each other. When Montague last year told everyone, I was the only one who understood. I could use the Cabinets as a passageway into Hogwarts, one unwatched by the Squib caretaker."

"Impressive," Albus repeated. "Most impressive."

"Would you quit saying that?" Malfoy asked.

_Later . . ._

"Please look at it from my viewpoint: An evil monster tells you to kill this good old man or He'll kill you and your family. What would you do?"

"Well, Frankly, my brother is the only -" began Albus.

"Not the point," Malfoy growled.

"Oh yes," Albus said. "I'd speak with this good old man and tell him what Lord Voldemort is trying to make me do."

Dumbledore and the Death Eaters

"'Lo, Amycus," Albus said. "And you brought Alecto too. Impressive. Most impressive."

Alecto Carrow gave him an angry little titter. "D'you think your jokes're gonna help you on your deathbed, Dumbledore?"

"Jokes? These are manners," Albus replied. "You guys should get some. They're a great help at tea parties."

"Do it," Bellatrix snapped.

"Good evening, Bellatrix!" said Albus pleasantly. "I think introductions are in order."

"Love to, Albus," said Bellatrix icily. "But we're on a bit of a tight schedule."

"Do it, Draco," growled Greyback.

"That you, Fenrir?"

"'At's 'ight," Greyback slurred. "Plessed to see ma, Dumba-da?"

"No, I'm glad to say I'm not pleased to see you."

Greyback grinned. "But yeh knuh 'ow much I lik' kids."

"So you attack even without the full moon now," said Albus. "Dispicable."

"Ah give yeh dispicis," Greyback slurred. "Get what Ah'm sayen?"

_After Snape's arrival . . ._

"_Avada Kedavra!_"

A jet of green light flew from his wand, and hit Albus.


	3. Lord Voldemort

**Disclaimer: I am not J.K. Rowling. This is for humor purposes only (though I do like to maintain canon).**

The Very Secret Diary

Harry Potter wrote in Tom Riddle's diary: **My name is Harry Potter.**

Riddle's words appeared on the page: _Hello, Harry Potter. My name is Tom Riddle. How did you come by my diary?_

Harry: **Someone tried to flush it d **-

Riddle: _I don't care, boy. I'm just lucky I kept my memories in something more lasting than ink. I always knew there'd be those who would not want this diary read._

Harry: **What do you mean?**

Riddle: _I mean that this diary holds memories of awful things. Things that were covered up. Things that happened at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry._

Harry: **That's so weird! I'm at Hogwarts, and the strangest things are happening. What are the odds? Hey, Riddle, dude, man, I need to ask you: Do you know anything about the Chamber of Secrets?**

Riddle: _Well, duh. In my day, they said it was just a legend. (That old codger, Dippet, was behind it, I tell you!) But that old man was a liar. In my fifth year, the Chamber was opened, and all hell broke loose. The mysterious monster attacked many a student, finally killing one. I caught the culprit, and he was expelled. But our headmaster, Armando Dippet, was too ashamed to allow me to speak the honest-to-God truth. They said Dead Girl died in a freak accident. They gave me a nice shiny trophy to shut me up. But I knew it would happen again. The murderer was not imprisoned, and the monster lived on._

Harry: **That's weird, Tom. It's happening again. Three have been attacked, four if you count Mrs. Norris. Do you happen to know who did it last time?**

Riddle: _Yes._

Harry: **Can you tell me?**

Riddle: _No._

Harry: **Well, that was just mean!**

Riddle: _But I can show you if you want. You don't have to take my word for it. Come with me to the night I caught him._

Harry frowned. "What does he mean?" he asked. "How could I go into another person's memory? That's, like, against the laws of physics, ya know."

Riddle: _Let me take you back fifty years to June 13, 1943. It would be my pleasure._

Harry: **All right. What the hell? What could it hurt?**

Harry was sucked into the diary, and wound up in Dumbledore's office.

_Armando Dippet sat at the desk that would be Dumbledore's._

_"Excuse me, Professor Dippet," Harry said, "but I thought you were dead? Why'd you jack Dumbledore, man? Where's Fawkes? Talk to me, man!"_

_Harry couldn't believe how this loser was acting; he was so damn rude._

_"Fine, I'll go," Harry said, his voice cracking emotionally. "But you, Armando Dippet, are gonna be sorry! You just missed the chance to befriend the greatest man on Earth!"_

_He turned away from Dippet, and then it hit him. No Fawkes, no silver instruments, no Dumbledore. This was the office as it had been in Dippet's day, fifty years ago. Harry was merely invisible to those of 1943._

_This was Riddle's memory._

_There was a knock on the door._

_"Enter," Dippet said._

_A boy of sixteen entered. A silver prefect's badge gleamed on his chest. He was about as tall as Harry, and he, too, had black hair._

_"Ah, Riddle," Dippet said._

_"That's my name, D-dawg," said Riddle. "What of it?"_

_"Sit down," said Dippet. "I just read the letter you seat."_

_Riddle nodded. "Continue."_

_"My dear boy," said Dippet kindly, "I cannot possibly allow you to stay here. Surely you want to go home this summer?"_

_"No," said Riddle, "and don't call me Shirley. I'm not going to Mrs. Cole's land of torture. The woman thinks I'm an alien."_

_"Yes." Dippet nodded. "Dumbledore told me. You grew up in Wool's Orphanage, did you not?"_

_"Surely," said Riddle, chewing on a French fry. "This fry is a little salty."_

_"Okay!" said Dippet. "Where did you get that?"_

_Riddle shrugged. "Found it."_

_"You Muggle-born?"_

_"Half-blood, fool," "Witch mama, Muggle daddy. Mother died just long enough to name me. Tom after Pops, Marvolo after Gramps."_

_As he talked about his family, Harry saw him rub a gold ring with a black stone in it that had a triangular symbol carved in it._

_Dippet sighed. "The thing is, Tom, I can't let you stay."_

_"Armando! You don't just say that to a person! What, were you raised by coyotes?"_

_Dippet raised his eyebrows. "Coyotes?"_

_"They have children, too, Ar," said Riddle._

_Dippet sighed. "Please, stay with me, T."_

_"Don't call me that," said Riddle._

_"I will call you what I want," said Dippet._

_"But, Ar, be reasonable," said Riddle. "The Ministry wouldn't really shut this place down, would they, sir?"_

_"Well, after the Warren tragedy . . . "_

_"Hold the tomatoes, Dippet," said Riddle. "What if it all stopped and the culprit was no longer a threat . . . "_

_"Tom, what on Hell's earth do you mean?" said Dippet, standing up. "Do you know something you wish to tell me, something about these attacks?"_

_"Hell on the no, sir," said Riddle._

_But Harry knew this was just like the negative reply he himself gave Dumbledore._

_Dippet sank back, looking disappointed._

_"Disperse, Tom."_

_"Surely."_

_Riddle exited the room, followed closely by Harry._

_Down the moving spiral staircase, he went. Finally, he stopped, thinking._

_Then as if reaching a decision, he hurried off. They didn't see anyone until a group of wizards passed by with an inert body of a young girl._

_"Riddle!"_

_Riddle turned to see a tall wizard with long, sweeping auburn hair and beard._

_"Albus!" Riddle said._

_"Excuse me?" the wizard said firmly._

_"Sorry," said Riddle. "Professor Albus."_

_"Close enough, Riddle," said the wizard who Harry realized, with a shock, was a sixty-two-year-old Albus Dumbledore. "But it's _Mister _Dumbledore. Don't call me 'Professor.' It makes me sound old."_

_Riddle snorted. "Didn't that ship set sail centuries ago, old man?"_

_"Hey!" Dumbledore snapped. "I'm only forty-six years older than you! What 'centuries ago' could you be referring to?"_

_"I'm not qualified to answer your question, sir," said Riddle._

_"And why not?"_

_"I'm not fully sure I understood it."_

_"Go away, Riddle," said Dumbledore. "Best not roam the halls these days. Not since . . . "_

_He sighed heavily, bade Riddle good night, and strode off. Riddle watched him move out of sight and then, moving quickly, headed for the dungeons. Then after what felt like days, Harry heard someone creeping at the far end of the tunnel. He heard whoever it was pass the dungeon where Riddle was hidden. Riddle, quiet as an apple, moved after the figure._

_For perhaps ten years they followed. Then Riddle stopped for some reason. Harry heard someone speaking in a hoarse whisper._

_"Yo! Aragog! C'mon, man! We gotta get! Come! It'll be my neck, as much as yers!"_

_There was something familiar about that voice. . . ._

_Riddle jumped around a corner, and Harry saw the outline of a huge boy crouching near a large box._

_"Evening, Rubeus," said Riddle sharply._

_The boy slammed the box shut._

_"Holy son o' a Martian!" he cried. "Tom, yeh don' scare a guy like that! My heart's goin' this fast!"_

_"Shut up, Rube," said Riddle. "It ends today."_

_"What?!" the boy asked. "I've never bin more confused."_

_"Gods, Rube, do you ever stop talking?" Riddle demanded. "I'm gonna have to turn you in, asshole!"_

_"WHAT?!"_

_"I don't think you intended for that Warren girl to die, R, but monsters don't make good pets."_

_"Aragog never killed a soul!" the boy yelled. "I swear it on my father's life!"_

_"Your father's dead, fool," said Riddle coolly._

_"Mean!" said Rubeus. "Yeh don' jus' throw tha' in a man's face! At least I don' live in an orphanage - "_

_"Shut up, Big R," growled Riddle. "Warren's parents will be here by the morrow. The least Hogwarts can do is make sure the thing that killed their daughter is slaughtered."_

_"It wasn' him, I tell yeh!" snapped Rubeus. "I know Aragog! He wouldn' betray my trust like tha'!"_

_"Step aside, silly boy," Riddle snarled, drawing his wand. "_Cistern aperio!_"_

_A jet of light lit up the corridor. The chest flew open, and a long hairy body with many legs crawled out._

_"Aragog!" Rubeus yelled._

_"_Arania Exumai!_" Riddle yelled, but it was too late, the arachnid was already gone, out of sight. Riddle ran to follow him, but the large boy leaped on top of him, seized his wand, and yelled, "No! Run, Aragog! Run!"_

The scene whirled, and Harry was blasted spread-eagle onto his bed in the Gryffindor dormitory, back on February 14, 1993.

Before he had time to take a breath, Ron stepped in.

"There you are," he said.

Harry sat up, sweating and shaking.

"What's up, kid?" said Ron, looking at him with concern.

"It was Hagrid, R. Hagrid opened the Chamber of Secrets fifty years ago."

* * *

><p><span>The Secret Riddle<span>

A younger Albus Dumbledore with auburn hair and beard walked past them, dressed in a flamboyantly cut suit of plain velvet.

"Nice suit, Professor," Harry smirked.

"Yes, I was getting lots of compliments on it," Albus smiled.

Albus approached an ancient building which a young girl answered the door.

"Who the hell are you?" she asked. "And why does your face look like that?"

"Well, mean," said Albus. "I am Albus Dumbledore."

"I don't care what your name is," said the girl. "MRS. COLE! Some old man's here!"

"Do you want me to get rid of him?" asked Albus.

"You're the old man," said the girl.

"Hey, I'm only fifty-six," said Albus.

"Shut up, oldie," said the girl.

"_Shut up, shut up, shut up,_" sang Albus. "_I don't wan_ - Ah, Mrs. Cole."

An old irritable woman had shown up. "Who the hell are you?"

"I am Albus Dumbledore," he said, stepping into the orphanage. "You must be Mrs. Cole."

Cole nodded. "You better come with _moi_."

"And where might I find this Moi?" asked Albus.

"_Moi _means me!" Cole snapped.

"Well, golly," said Albus, "why didn't you just say that?"

Cole led him into her office. As soon as they sat down, Cole said, looking slightly disturbed, "Nice suit."

"Thanks," said Albus mildly. "Now, I've come for Tom Riddle."

"Oh, are you from the mothership?" Cole asked. "I knew there was something not right with that kid."

"I'm not an alien," Albus replied.

"Then what's with your strange suit?" Cole asked.

'I think it's stylish," Albus replied.

"Do you own a full-length mirror?" Cole asked.

"No, but I don't see what that's got to do with anything."

Cole stared at him strangely.

"Anyway," said Albus, "I am a teacher. I've come to offer Tom a place at my school."

"What is this 'school?'"

"It is called Hogwarts."

"So that's your home planet, then?"

"I told you, I'm not an alien."

"Yeah, yeah. Why d'you want to see Tom?"

"We believe he may have the qualities we are looking for."

"What, has he won a scholarship? How could he? I mean, what's he done? He's kind of a loser."

"Right," said Albus. "Well, he'd been down since birth."

"Who registered him? His parents? In all the time Tom has been here, he's never once had a family visitor."

Albus seemed to notice how inconveniently sharp Cole was, and took out his wand.

"_Confundo._"

Cole's eyes slid out of focus, and she muttered, "Everything's just fine."

"Lovely," Albus said, putting his hands together. "Now tell me all you can about Tom Riddle."

"All right," said Cole, helping herself to a glass of gin. "I remember it as clear as a chicken dancing on the road, as I'd hust started here myself. The thirty-first of December, and the snow was up a donkey's derriere. And this girl comes in pregnant as a dolphin with a doughnut. Gave birth one hour, died the next."

"Did Subject B say anything?" Albus asked.

"Do chickens dance the forbidden hula?" Cole replied. "I remember, she says to me, she says, _Yo, lady, get your fatass over here. _I come over, I come, and she says, _Yo, lady, this is Tom Marvolo Riddle. Take care of him. Adios. _But I didn't hear a please. That was as rude as a donkey in a hula skirt.

"He's an odd one."

"_Mr Grinch,_" sang Albus. "_I don't know the rest. Blah blah blah blah a-blah. Mr Grinch!_"

"You're as weird as an alien in outer space," Cole said. "Anyway, there've been accidents with the children. Like Billy Stubbs' rabbit . . . I mean, Tom said, _Yo, lady, shut up. I ain't the criminal, bitch. _But rabbits don't climb rafters. That's like Johnny Appleseed eating an apple pie."

"You've never met my brother Aberforth's pet rabbit, Mr. Slinky," said Albus.

"You're one hair short of a phetuta," Cole said. "But I can't see a chicken's ass how he done do it. All's I can be a-thinkin' is that he and Billy went at it like a rat in a bee's hive, the previous day. Then wes go to the park. Then Tom goes explorin' with Amy Benson and Dennis Bishop - that's not right of a toucan in a pantsuit."

"Oh, you know Bill?" asked Albus.

"I think Tom Riddle's departure would be as merry as a clown in a guillotine," said Cole.

"Yeah," said Albus. "You do realize, of course, that Tom will have to return every single summer until he's seventeen."

"Ah, well, that's the better than sweet pickin' in the farming hosen," said Cole. "So yous gonna talk with the beas - I mean, boy."

"Correct-o-mundo," Albus replied.

Cole led Albus to the room of Tom Riddle. She knocked and entered.

"Tom? You have a visitor. This is Mr. Dumberd - sorry, Dunderbit. He's come to tell you - whatever it is he's here for. G'bye."

Cole turned away, and shut the door behind her.

It was a small dark room with nothing in it except an old wardrobe and an iron bedstead. A boy of eleven was sitting on it. He narrowed his eyes at Albus and said softly, and snidely, "Nice suit."

"Yeah, I've been getting a lot of compliments on it," said Albus. "I am Albus Dumbledore."

"Who are you?" asked Voldemort coldly. "The doctor?"

"I'm no doctor," said Albus.

"She wants me looked at," said Voldemort, nodding at the door in which Cole just left. "Now, do not lie to Tom Riddle."

"I come from Hogwarts," said Albus.

"Ah, so you're an alien," said Voldemort softly.

"Why do people keep saying that to me?"

"Because of that suit," said Voldemort. "It's so disproportinate."

"To what?"

"The world!"

"Now, Tom, man," said Albus, " you are a gifted child."

"I'm not mad!" snarled Voldemort angrily. "Just try taking me. I am Tom Riddle."

"No, you're a wizard," said Albus.

"I'm . . . a wizard, you say?" said Voldemort. "Interesting."

"That's as true as a bumblebee doing a knickknocker," said Albus.

"I know it!" Voldemort said. "Victory is mine! You hear that, world! I am a wizard! You shall all bow down to me!"

"Okay, we're done with that," said Albus.

"Sorry, almost went one knickknock an elevator," said Voldemort. "Now, old man, you a wizard, too?"

"As magic as a fancy dancing mouse trap," Albus replied.

"Prove it, old man," said Voldemort softly.

Albus snapped his fingers, and Voldemort's wardrobe caught fire.

"Ah! What the bloody flippin' hell, old man?" snapped the future Dark Lord.

But even as he rounded on Albus, the flames went out. Voldemort stared at the wardrobe greedily, and said, pointing at the wand, "Where can I get me one of them?"

"Soon, Tom, soon," said Albus. "I think there is something trying to get out of your wardrobe."

And sure enough, a faint rattling could be heard inside. For the first time, Voldemort looked frightened.

Reluctantly, he flew the door open, and took out a small cardboard box, which was rattling as if it had frantic mice trapped inside.

"Take it out," said Albus.

And Voldemort poured the contents onto the bed: a yo-yo, a silver thimble, a rifle, a tarnished mouth organ, a bronze knife, a bloody knife, an old hundred-year-old bottle of whiskey, a pistol, and a baton.

"You will return these to their owners with apologies," said Albus. "And beware: Thievery will not be accepted at Hogwarts."

Voldemort glared coldly at Albus. "Yes, sir."

Albus explains about the Ministry of Magic, and about buying school supplies.

"I ain't got no money," Voldemort said.

"That's easily fixed," said Albus. "You'll buy your stuff secondhand - "

"Where?" interrupted Voldemort.

"Diagon Alley," said Albus.

"Oh, I love that place," said Voldemort.

"You've never been there," said Albus.

"I'll tell you where I've been," hissed Voldemort. "Now, off I go."

"Go where?" asked Albus.

"To Diagon Alley," said Voldemort. "Get with it."

"Alone?"

"Well, duh. Who am I, John Adams? Now, how do I approach this city?"

Albus explains the secret passage through the Leaky Cauldron, and the barkeep named Tom.

"Tom?" growled Voldemort. "His name's Tom. Well, I'll be a dancing grasshopper. Why did he steal my damn name?"

"You dislike the name _Tom_?"

"Yes," said Voldemort. "It's as common as a nosebleed in a rainstorm."

* * *

><p><span>Horcruxes<span>

Tom Riddle, a.k.a Lord Voldemort, sat with the rest of the Slug Club and a younger Horace Slughorn.

"Sir is it true Professor Merrythought is retiring?" he asked.

"Now, Tom, I couldn't tell you if I knew," said Slughorn reprovingly. "I must say, you're more knowledgable than half the MI6."

Voldemort smiled. "Well, I wouldn't say stunning."

"I don't think I did," said Slughorn.

"Thank you." Voldemort smiled.

The other members of the Slug Club rolled their eyes.

"I swear it, Tom Riddle," Slughorn went on. "You'll go far, m'boy! Damn as hell, you'll probably end up in the Ministry of Magic before long. You mark my words!"

"No, I'm not sure politics is my thing," Voldemort hissed. "I don't have the right kind of background, for one thing."

"Nonsense," said Slughorn briskly. "I've never been wrong about a student yet."

_Later . . ._

"Sir, I wanted to ask you something."

"Ask away, then, m'boy, ask away!"

"All right," said Voldemort. "I'm just going to come out with it: What the hell are Horcruxes, fool?"


	4. Neville Longbottom

**Disclaimer: I am not J.K. ****Rowling.**

Neville and the Trio

Harry, Ron, and Hermione stand in Gryffindor common room with the Invisibility Cloak.

"We'd better put it on in here and make sure it covers all three of us - if Filch spots one of our feet wandering around on its own, he's not going to be asking questions before he starts shooting."

"Yeah," said Ron. "We don't _want_ to have to kill him."

"What are you doing?" said a voice from the corner of the room, as Neville appeared from the far corner of the room, clutching a struggling Trevor.

"Oh, don't worry, Neville," said Ron. "We're not really killing Filch. It was just a joke. So . . . how you doing? Good? Spectacular?"

Neville stared at their guilty faces.

"You're going out again," he said. "Why you dirty rotten son of a bitch!"

"That's a lie," said Hermione. "Go to bed, Neville. You're making everyone uncomfortable."

"You're not going anywhere, slick," said Neville. "Gryffindor rejects your acts of injustice. We will take you down."

"We?" said Ron. "Neville, that's just silly. What, do you have a private militia or something?"

"I could have a militia," said Neville. "You don't know!"

"You don't understand," said Harry. "This is important!"

"You don't understand!" said Neville, hurrying to stand in front of the portrait hole. "I won't let you destroy everything I hold most dear! You'll leave when you pry this portrait hole out of my cold dead hands."

"That doesn't even make any sense," said Ron.

"Life doesn't make sense!" said Neville. "Do you want to dance, cowboy? Come on! Do you want to taste what the Neville is cooking?"

"Neville," Ron exploded, "don't be a giant snapping turtle. Get away from that door."

"Don't call me a turtle!" said Neville. "I'm not a turtle! You're a bitch, Ron Weasley. You think you can just go through life, with your gorgeously strong body, and do whatever you want! But you can't! I will crush you!"

Ron tried not to laugh. "Neville, do you hear yourself speak? You sound ridiculous. Just stand aside - this doesn't have to get ugly."

"You're ugly!" snapped Neville.

"Well, that's just not true," said Ron. "I'm gorgeous."

"And you're gorgeously going down!" said Neville.

"Well, that's not the proper use of that adverb," said Hermione. "I think someone needs to take some lessons in grammar."

"And I think _someone _needs to take lessons in etiquette!" said Neville. "You're going to ruin this for everyone! You're just a bunch of rudes!"

Ron laughed. "Seriously, Neville, if you could hear yourself speak . . ."

"Stop laughing at me!" said Neville. "I don't think you should be breaking any more rules, damn it! And you're the one who told me to stand up to people!"

Ron smiled. "Oh, I see. We had a case of miscommunication. I meant stand up to people who are not me. Oh, I'm so glad we cleared this up."

"I'll clear your clock!" said Neville. "I'm not joking, Ron. Stand back or I will take you downtown!"

"Oh, Neville," said Ron. "Think about what you're saying. You, Neville Longbottom, against me, Ron Weasley. You don't have to be a genius to know who's going to win this confrontation. A-what!"

He took a step forward.

Harry turned to Hermione.

"Do something," he said desperately.

Hermione stepped forward. "Neville, I cannot tell you how sorry I am about this."

"Well, you don't sound sorry," said Neville. "Come on! Hit me with your best shot! I can take it!"

Hermione raised her wand. "_Petrificus Totalus!_"

Neville's arms snapped to his sides. His legs sprang together. His whole body rigid, he swayed where he stood and then fell flat on his face, stiff as a board.

"Ah!" said Ron. "That's what you get for challenging Ron Weasley on his best day! A-what!"

Hermione ran to turn him over.

"Son of a marshmallow!" said Harry. "What did you do to him?"

"It's the Full-Body Bind," said Hermione miserably. "Oh, Neville, I'm so sorry."

Neville's expression clearly said, _Well, sorry doesn't sweeten my tea!_

"We had to, Nevs," said Harry. "No time to explain."

"It was for your own good," said Ron, as they stepped over him and put on the Cloak. "You'll understand someday."


End file.
